the dawn of understanding

it's so true that you only appreciate your parents when you're an adult yourself. it applies to me i think. all through the turbulent pre-pubescent years (complete with braces, specs and frizzy hair) i've thought that my parents were some weird old fogeys who couldn't possibly understand why i needed a pair of levi's jeans. and only levi's.

anyway, as i was saying... i usually have a long drive to work every day, and it gives me time (actually i'd rather have a short drive) to think and fantasise and what not. so when i consciously (or subconsciously as the case may be) flit through my mental treasure chest, i do chance upon nuggets of gold. in this case, my parents.

i don't think they've really had an easy time with us hahaha. i mean, we didn't give them the usual drug/smoking/delinquent problems. we're kinda boring and unexciting in that way. the quintessential goody two shoes. hhmm.. but dig deeper and the each of us have our own quirks to deal with. but they have to deal with 3 really different DNA spinoffs. i wonder how i would deal with kids like us. we're such complex beings, each with different needs and different ways of expressing ourselves.

but i know i've underestimated them. it's true. parents know EVERYTHING. even when you're so careful to hide whatever feelings or insecurities you have from them, they're not stupid at all. surprise surprise! i quite admire their wisdom in some ways, and in others, i wish they were a bit more dense. but they catch on pretty quick.

i've had the opportunity (it's only recently that i was enlightened enough to call it that) to work with my dad for two years now. i think i know him and understand him so much more now. but it's also cos i've been praying so hard about things family related for the past 6 mths. it's like god opened up my eyes and i could see through his soul. it's a really strange (and guilty) feeling. the guilt comes from me. how could i have not seen it before? it's the age. and circumstances.

i admire him the way he manages everyone at the office. i can see that everyone fears him, but out of respect. i can't actually call it fear. it's more of they REALLY want to impress him. hahaha. imagine.. impressing my dad. i've never even bothered. and there are so many layers to everything he says and does. it's never what it seems. ok, he sounds a bit twisted here but he isn't actually. i think he's one of the most sincere and wise bosses i've come across. if i weren't related to him, i actually would like a boss like him. of course i can't actually say all this to him. i have to maintain that 'kids don't appreciate parents' persona u know. i do have a reputation to uphold :) and of course i don't really want to add to his already healthy ego.

he's really hard working and positive. in that he doesn't let hiccups get him down. it's kinda hard to work with someone like that cos i am naturally pessimistic. i am a high melancholy-phlegmatic in terms of character. so it's a totally different viewpoint and way of doing things. but after Ad ( my life seems to be classified into before and after Ad) i have learnt to accomodate myself more. Ad is the total opposite of me in character. he is exactly like my dad. poor me. i have two of those now. in a good way.

i actually can't wait for my brother to join the family circus. it'll be so much more fun. i think he is very melancholy-phlegmatic as well. ooo boy.. this should be interesting.

knowing my dad better as a person doesn't let me escape from also knowing his weaknesses. but i understand the reasons more now. and it helps. it helps me to forgive, appreciate and love everything about him. it's a deeper sense of knowing now. and it adds to the richness of my life.
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my mum... the one always in the background, cleaning up all the mess, the one always in the supporting role, never really accorded the credit she is due. it's tough being in the shadow of such a loud, vibrant character as my dad. but aren't fathers always the 'good time man'? it's mothers who discipline, get yelled at and are misunderstood. i dread my own turn.

there are so many facades to my mother. a woman has to play so many roles; wife, lover, mother, friend, cleaner-upper, nagger (how else do the kids turn out so well ahem ahem). but these things are hardly ever appreciated. it's their ROLE. they are SUPPOSED to do all these things. or are they?

my mom is a whole different ballgame altogether. moms and dads sacrifice differently, serve the family differently, support the children differently. one isn't more important than the other. it's ideal to have both. they each have added different facets to my life. and i am again, richer for it. i don't always think that way mind you. sometimes i just want to slam the door on them. but i thank god for the little nuggets of gold. he always brings a timely reminder to me. isn't that great? it's such grace for my human-ness that i find so awesome and touching. god has such perfect timing. it's always when i need re-assurance that he pops up and shoves not 1, but 3 in my face. but that's another story.

happy mothers' and fathers' day to the best (and sometimes dysfunctional) parents an urban girl could ask for.