the dawn of understanding

it's so true that you only appreciate your parents when you're an adult yourself. it applies to me i think. all through the turbulent pre-pubescent years (complete with braces, specs and frizzy hair) i've thought that my parents were some weird old fogeys who couldn't possibly understand why i needed a pair of levi's jeans. and only levi's.

anyway, as i was saying... i usually have a long drive to work every day, and it gives me time (actually i'd rather have a short drive) to think and fantasise and what not. so when i consciously (or subconsciously as the case may be) flit through my mental treasure chest, i do chance upon nuggets of gold. in this case, my parents.

i don't think they've really had an easy time with us hahaha. i mean, we didn't give them the usual drug/smoking/delinquent problems. we're kinda boring and unexciting in that way. the quintessential goody two shoes. hhmm.. but dig deeper and the each of us have our own quirks to deal with. but they have to deal with 3 really different DNA spinoffs. i wonder how i would deal with kids like us. we're such complex beings, each with different needs and different ways of expressing ourselves.

but i know i've underestimated them. it's true. parents know EVERYTHING. even when you're so careful to hide whatever feelings or insecurities you have from them, they're not stupid at all. surprise surprise! i quite admire their wisdom in some ways, and in others, i wish they were a bit more dense. but they catch on pretty quick.

i've had the opportunity (it's only recently that i was enlightened enough to call it that) to work with my dad for two years now. i think i know him and understand him so much more now. but it's also cos i've been praying so hard about things family related for the past 6 mths. it's like god opened up my eyes and i could see through his soul. it's a really strange (and guilty) feeling. the guilt comes from me. how could i have not seen it before? it's the age. and circumstances.

i admire him the way he manages everyone at the office. i can see that everyone fears him, but out of respect. i can't actually call it fear. it's more of they REALLY want to impress him. hahaha. imagine.. impressing my dad. i've never even bothered. and there are so many layers to everything he says and does. it's never what it seems. ok, he sounds a bit twisted here but he isn't actually. i think he's one of the most sincere and wise bosses i've come across. if i weren't related to him, i actually would like a boss like him. of course i can't actually say all this to him. i have to maintain that 'kids don't appreciate parents' persona u know. i do have a reputation to uphold :) and of course i don't really want to add to his already healthy ego.

he's really hard working and positive. in that he doesn't let hiccups get him down. it's kinda hard to work with someone like that cos i am naturally pessimistic. i am a high melancholy-phlegmatic in terms of character. so it's a totally different viewpoint and way of doing things. but after Ad ( my life seems to be classified into before and after Ad) i have learnt to accomodate myself more. Ad is the total opposite of me in character. he is exactly like my dad. poor me. i have two of those now. in a good way.

i actually can't wait for my brother to join the family circus. it'll be so much more fun. i think he is very melancholy-phlegmatic as well. ooo boy.. this should be interesting.

knowing my dad better as a person doesn't let me escape from also knowing his weaknesses. but i understand the reasons more now. and it helps. it helps me to forgive, appreciate and love everything about him. it's a deeper sense of knowing now. and it adds to the richness of my life.
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my mum... the one always in the background, cleaning up all the mess, the one always in the supporting role, never really accorded the credit she is due. it's tough being in the shadow of such a loud, vibrant character as my dad. but aren't fathers always the 'good time man'? it's mothers who discipline, get yelled at and are misunderstood. i dread my own turn.

there are so many facades to my mother. a woman has to play so many roles; wife, lover, mother, friend, cleaner-upper, nagger (how else do the kids turn out so well ahem ahem). but these things are hardly ever appreciated. it's their ROLE. they are SUPPOSED to do all these things. or are they?

my mom is a whole different ballgame altogether. moms and dads sacrifice differently, serve the family differently, support the children differently. one isn't more important than the other. it's ideal to have both. they each have added different facets to my life. and i am again, richer for it. i don't always think that way mind you. sometimes i just want to slam the door on them. but i thank god for the little nuggets of gold. he always brings a timely reminder to me. isn't that great? it's such grace for my human-ness that i find so awesome and touching. god has such perfect timing. it's always when i need re-assurance that he pops up and shoves not 1, but 3 in my face. but that's another story.

happy mothers' and fathers' day to the best (and sometimes dysfunctional) parents an urban girl could ask for.

in lurve

i am sooooo in lurve... you can gag if you want, but it's true. i am having a headache now, but i'm close to bursting anyway haha. i sometimes have bouts of emotions when i feel like i want to shout it from the mountaintop but of course i won't. not least because there is no way i am physically fit enough to get atop one.

it's a warm contentment that steals over you when you least expect it. especially now since i am having a rather miserable headache. i need an outlet now!! hence writing here. just telling the person doesn't feel enough. it pales in comparison with the magnitude of what's happening between all my neurons and synapses and what not. yet it seems a crime to keep it to myself.

when i wake up and am coherent enough to make sense of my thoughts, i feel safe in the knowledge that i can share everything with Ad without him judging me and making me feel small. the things he quietly does for me, but would never point out cos he dosn't even realise it's an effort, it's just so natural for him. filling my tumbler with water before he leaves (i need water when i wake up in the middle of the night), always making sure my alarm clock ie. mobile phone is next to my bed, filling my tyres with air, making sure i have food, bringing me milk (otherwise i would NEVER drink milk) and washing the cup for me (i hate milk cups).

i sometimes feel selfish being the recipient of so much love and grace, as though i can never match it. i don't think i can! but then again, i don't think love is a tit for tat game anyway. you can't really measure it and decide to match it or fall short of it. that's the beauty of it. a lot of the times, it's undeserving. only when you make the effort to realise this, you feel the enormity of this responsibility. the responsibility not to hurt this person, who only has your best interests at heart. the responsibility to be unselfish in return. the responsibility to reciprocate such grace and beauty of spirit. i try...

how many times have i taken this for granted. not just love from loved ones, but especially god's love. how immense this is, when you think about it. we have been doing the gospel of john in church and cell for a while. i started out being a reluctant facilitator. yet, god still decided to reveal many things to me. how cool. one of the greatest is his unsurpassed love. it sounds so cliched cos you always hear about it. but it only takes effect when it hits you right there. not just the brain, but the whole works. it hits you deep in your spirit, and you can't help but be rudely (actually quite nicely thank you) awakened from your stupor. again, how cool.

woman turned ape

i helped my sister at the pharmacy last week. basically cleaning up the documentation and setting up the accounts. i think she's a bit overwhelmed.

anyway.. i was engrossed in my bank statement at the back of the shop when i heard a commotion at the front. and i heard my sister's frustrated voice. so i ran to the front thinking someone was harrassing her. i was right. there stood this monstrous woman with the most nasty disposition i have sene in a while. when i asked her nicely what was the matter, she started screaming and ranting that our pharmacy is bodoh and other obcenities just because we wouldn't give her her money back for something she bought, but changed her mind about. she asked her son to buy a box of panadol. afte the shop assistant verified repeatedly that a box was what he wanted, and not a strip, she sold it to him. a few minutes after that, this excuse for womanhood stormed into the pharmacy asking for a refund as she just wanted s strip. she wanted to return the rest of the box, which she had already opened. so my sister informed her nicely (and i can vouch for that because she always talks nicely to her customers) that we only refund or exchange goods if they are defected or expired.

but nOOooOOOOo...she claims that we are stupid because ALL shops in malaysia entertain returns and refunds if you change your mind. Ohhh i seee.. i guess i've been living in a different malaysia to her. you'll be lucky if you can return a shirt with a hole which you have to prove was there when you bought it! so i actually asked her to walk over to watsons opposite, buy a box of panadol, change her mind and proceed to return it with a full refund. since she claimed that all shops here entertained such requests. but of course she didn't take up my challenge. someone with a pea brain knows it will never happen. duh. this is malaysia...where customers rule supreme. we are merely following the trend. cos we basically don't trust customers here. (hey, most of the ppl who go overseas to study, buy a gorgeous gown for the ball, then return it the next day after wearing it..are malaysians) do you trust them now? admit it. we are bad.

this creature (sorry i can't bring myself to call her a woman/lady/person) had to start being really vulgar, shouting and screaming obscenities with every breath. she even thumped the cashier table repeatedly while threatening us and screaming. i do doubt whether she can carry on a normal conversation. i managed to keep my temper in check (no small feat) and asked her to calm down and not shout so much and to please not use vulgarities. but obviously some ppl are born rude and uncivilised so what can i do. i told her i would call security and she got really mad cos she didnt steal anything, why should i call security. duh.. because you are offending my sensibilities and i find your mere presence irritating my soul. what a waste of space. yes i can be quite mean when you finally make me snap. she's lucky i didn't call the police! so we had to call our friendly neighborhood restaurant owner next door for backup in case she turned violent. well, because she actually threatened to get ppl to beat us up once we closed shop.

sigh... some ppl. really spoilt our night ok. and it was the eve of a public holiday. my sister burst into tears after that interesting specimen finally gave up, and i was quite shaken as well cos i have never been the recipient of such outright hatred and racism (yes, she asked us anak bohsia to go back to china where we came from and many worse connotations) and yes, violence as well. i had to ask Ad to pray for my sister and me cos i just felt so disturbed. you don't want to be racist, but sometimes, when a certain race always behaves a certain way ie. with abuse and violence, what does it say about their kind in general? sheesh.

i would have actually asked my sister to give her a refund if she had been polite and civil. but i guess you can't blame someone who can't learn any better. it's like forcing an ape to speak on civil rights at an international forum. simply impossible. actually, i think teaching that ape manners is easier. and just on principle (and ok i admit just to vent my anger and show her she can't boss us around) we purposely stood our ground and refused point blank to give her a refund.

what an infuriating incident. hhmmpphh.

on siew-che-ness & expectations

my nearest and dearest recently bestowed upon yours truly the title of 'siew che' or however you spell it. then we had a lively discussion about the merits of this honour. hmmm.. i believe people have this skewed perception about siew che's. what exactly does it mean?

• someone who doesn't do housework? (i do - except for toilets and mopping)
  
• only eats in air-cond places? (what rubbish)
  
• very pampered? (too wide a term to define)
• someone who enjoys the finer things in life (nothing wrong here as long as you're balanced abt it)
  

beats me... i really don't know. and it doesn't help that my dearest cannot give me a satisfactory description! that's always the problem with guys. ok, i am loosely generalising here. i am a strong melancholic person, hence i tend to be very analytical to the point of being irritating. soooo...it has yet to be concluded the reason i am now a siew che. haha.. but i don't really mind. i take pride in it. what's wrong with wanting to be pampered? admit it, everyone wants to be. it's a matter of whether the other person is willing, or is able to. but it's no harm dreaming and wanting it... where's all the fun if we can't fantasize about what we want?

i know i know... i have to manage my expectations also. just went through a marriage counselling session on expectations. heavy topic (especially the parts about finance, parenting etc), but we sailed through with relatively few bumps. that's because i know what he expects and he knows what i expect. although some expectations will take a little bit more effort (actually a lot la) to fulfil, nevertheless the good thing is we are both willing to make the effort. i'm quite glad his expectations of me are realistic though. i'm not sure about mine, but he said it was all a cinch. hah. we'll see. some were quite detailed. for example, if i state that i expect him to repair the tv, he will. but WHEN? aha.. that's the important question. poor him though. he wishes i would go camping and all things outdoor related. and i am SO not the outdoor person. it will probably take a miracle forme to change there. i actually wouldn't mind if the weather here isn't as scorching. meaning, if i were on a nice roman holiday, i would probably take to the outdoors immediately. hmm... okaaaay... now i see where the siew che comment is coming from.

anyway i do admit i can be quite siew che. the fact that i was a little embarrassed at listing down certain expectations of marriage is testament to that. sigh... how to change? i think it's environmental conditioning. hah. ok blame the parents now. but seriously, it's really the years of what you have been exposed to and experienced. sometimes i feel bad about being picky about certain things, but it's so innate i can't really help it. i am unconsciously picky about lots of things. i only admit it in hindsight.

for instance, i never realised i only eat certain fruits.and only a certain banana or grape at that! it's quite amusing when i really sit down to think about it. if someone hadn't pointed that out to me, i would never have realised. i always say i eat anything. but when i micro-analyse, it actually means i can eat all types of food, but only a selective, specific sub-type.

he concludes that i am the type of girl that needs to be taken care off. that's nice. at least he knows that. haha.. one expectation noted and understood. but i am so thankful i have the emotional freedom and ease to actually list down my expectations and talk it out with my dearest. i don't think many couples have that luxury (if i can call i that). topics like this are potential mine fields so many ppl keep it to themselves, hoping and wishing that their other half can read their mind and somehow fulfil those expectations. i am not embarrassed about telling Ad my expectations, and i don't think he is either. i'm only embarrassed when i have to tell someone else!

to actually reach this stage of communication and friendship is something i have taken for granted previously. but when i really think about it, and when i read those agony aunt pages on sundays, i realise that not many relationships have as open a communication channel as i have. i am eternally grateful for this. i've always assumed that this is one of the perks of being in a relationship - that you have someone to listen to, who listens back, and acts as a sounding board as well, someone you're not ashamed to share your innermost thoughts with. now i know i should be really grateful to have this. imagine if i can't tell Ad that i can't stand washing cups which had milk in it cos i can't stand the smell. who else will wash it? darn.. i have just proven that i am siew che after all.

to stay or not to stay

i have been asked whether i would consider applying for a PR in australia, the land of BBQs, laidback beaches and laidback everything. hmmm.. it's a good question to think over. i'm not really sure what my decision will be. but maybe just apply for it to cover all bases? who knows what will happen in our country in the next 10 yrs? truth be told, altho i do like staying here, i don't really have much faith in my government.

i mean, can you blame me? what with moral policing, punishment if you don't pray in a mosque on fridays, national debates over the wearing of tudungs in schools etc etc, i do feel like we're getting petty over the pettiest of things. are there no issues AT ALL that they can spend taxpayers' money on? for goodness sake. it's all talk anyway. if they REALLY do want to rid the public service of corruption etc, the ACA won't be going after the small fishes. what about the really big fish out there? a 15 year old school boy can name you at least 2. in my humble, insignificant opinion, the 1st thing they shld do is limit the term of service of any govt official. i mean, if you're in that comfort zone for 15, 20 years... i rest my case. i understand that govt officials don't get paid a lot. so where do all the bungalows, imported big tinted cars come from? not to mention that if their homes do get robbed, they are very vague about how much 'cash' was lost. if the press dares to mention it, it's always in the six-figure region. wow! hhmm.. maybe they don't get paid much, but the perks sure do add up.

lately, there was a survey published in The Star, listing the reasons overseas grads don't want to come back to work. come on, you don't really need a survey to tell you the obvious! money aside, can you actually compare the quality of life in the UK to malaysia? not just the UK, but the US, australia? there, they have a life. the potential to enjoy the money they work so hard for. opportunities to travel, learn, take fulfilling breaks, have a quality family life. here, it's work, work, work and more work. most of my friends rarely eat dinner at home. dinner is a rushed affair, not a meal to be enjoyed with family or friends. it is rare for a whole family to have a sit-down meal at the end of a work day. if you don't eat out, it's usually a re-heated microwave meal. or not eating at all.if you do have the privilege to cook dinner at home after you get back form work, you're tired out after the washing up and just want to crash into bed. every day it's like that. the monotony is only punctuated with church activities, cell group, or the random coffee get togethers. thank god for that. but it does tire you out, especially if you come home at 8pm every day. if you have to wake up at 7 the next morning, you need to sleep by 11 or 12. what can you do after dinner? you're just so sapped of energy it takes great courage to even want to clean the house!

let's talk about the cost of living.. that's a sore point with me. i have friends who work all over the world and we do compare notes. just a simple example that we yuppies can relate to. a cup of starbucks. rm 13 versus GBP 2 or SGD 5. we're talking about earning the same absolute salary here. as a professional here and over there. hhmm... i can buy a Zara suit in London for GBP100. here, it's like RM 500-600! would you spend 5-10% of you salary on a suit? but it can easily be done over there. how about books? i read voraciously but it's an expensive habit! i do have to curb my thirst for knowledge here. how can you even afford good books anymore? and for someone like me who finishes 1 or 2 in a week, it's really not affordable.

what with the price rise for everything, our real income is decreasing as inflation rises. and our cost of living is escalating everyday. to our malaysian government, we would appreciate some control here. you may not know how the average malaysian leaves, because let's face it, you don't even get stuck in a jam with us! you get your motorcade to pave the way for you, causing us more grief on the roads. you don't have to Q up to get any of your administrative work done. you don't know what it feels like to wait and wait and wait, the only way out being a bribe just to cross the red tape. i do not condone bribing, but i do understand why some ppl do it. so kill me for being so un-christian like.

i have personally experienced instances when you're turned away just because the person at the counter is in a bad mood. try applying for a CJ-5 (sales tax exemption) from the customs dept. and the govt came up with this to encourage local manufacturers to compete. so why make it so damn difficult to apply for one? not to mention there are no set procedures to go about it. if you're lucky, you get one in 5 days. if you get a grumpy erson at the counter, she will come up with 'your company applied for so many materials already. we cannot give more'. says who? we are the ones who have to take the trouble to compile all the documentation you asked for. you are the ones who are so fussy in that you have to apply separately for each PORT the material is imported from, not to mention each SUPPLIER, each ITEM, etc etc. give us a break. i hate going to any public service dept. it is a guaranteed spoiler of my day. they piss me off so much! and you have to smile and kowtow to them becos your CJ-5 is URGENTLY needed for customs clearance. and even when you're stewing under that fake stewpid smile, they have the cheek to ask you if you have bought them KFC for lunch! ARGHHH!!!

down under sounds real good about now.

so many of my friends are getting married these days. we have graduated from talking about homework, who's looking at who during tuition classes, who's going where for further education, who's going out with who, and now... who's getting married. give us a couple more years and we'll soon be talking about the best nursery schools and child education. scary.

it's quite fun when a close friend is getting married. you're involved in all the shenanigans that come with preparing for a wedding - the flowers, deco, logistics etc etc. most of the time, the cell group plays a big part in offering their wedding planning services. i must say it does foster closer ties and camaraderie within the group of friends. not to mention it's actually a practice run for our own big days. hah. ooo.. the hen nights are fun too!

random pictures of our preparation for various weddings:















Pretty brides:



Pretty in Purple for Larry & Emilia's big day
:

one of my best friend's wedding:

lalala

i never thought being fickle-minded was bad...i mean, the choice is mine after all. but now, even i am annoyed at myself! i wish i had the confidence to carry through a decision once i've made it. i tend to waver and have excuses about one decision, proceeded by excuses for the other! sigh.. there's no pleasing myself. i wonder if it's just a character flaw, or am i merely being a girl (yea, shoot me) or is it a lack in confidence? call me when you can answer that. i have to admit though, that i do like to dissect every decision into minute pieces just to satisfy myself that i have covered every base.

i do admire those people who can make a decision, stick by it and argue for the reasons they made it in the first place. i actually have no problems doing the latter myself. only the former two haha. but don't they ever wonder WHAT IF. is it wrong to even ask that question? does asking it mean you are not contented, easily shaken, or have nothing better to do? proponents of not asking will argue that it's pointless to ask that question anyway. cos what's done is done and most of the time you can't do anything abt the aftermath anymore. so you're just picking at the wound. once you've made the decision, be happy with it! it has something to do with psychologically supporting your own decision hence it will BE the right decision blah blah..

i, on the other hand think that there's nothing wrong with wondering. keeps my mind occupied hehe. it's so interesting to extrapolate the different outcomes of certain decisions you made IF ONLY you did it differently. yeah, sometimes it's depressing, but it can also mean that you're strong enough to move on and accept it. it doesn't mean you're not contented. so there.

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on being mean

why are we mean? we were taught not to be (most of us at least). the weirdest thing is, at the very moment BEFORE i say anything mean, i already KNOW it is mean. and i still let loose! sigh.. it boils down to self control then right? urgh... what does that make me. a work in progress :)

i'm not proud of it, but bear with me. a few more hard knocks and self-control would slowly seep in. the aftermath is always painful. my conscience butts in, guilt fights for supremacy with remorse, and i feel like i've kicked the other person where it hurts most. stewpid stewpid. it's no fun to hurt someone needlessly, what more someone you love dearly. hard lesson to learn. but i'm glad i'm learning it now.

Happy Birthday Papa

So we celebrated my dad's 55th birthday with an intimate family dinner at marche on sunday. it is his new favourite restaurant. this is a cycle i know only too well. give him another 2 mths or so, and marche will soon be extinct in his memory. personally, i am a little wary of going there now, since we have had family dinners there every saturday for the past 2 mths i think. *groan*. aren't we adventurous.

we proceeded back home after dinner to usher in his bday at midnight, but we had to do it at 11pm as he was nodding off to CSI. but i think it fair to say a good time was had by all.

i can't believe he's 55 already. when i do think about it, it kinda scares me. he's always been dad. he's always been there for us. in his eyes, we have not grown up. to me, he's the best father he can be, and i do feel really really blessed to be his kid. i know i've led a relatively charmed childhood, thanks to my parents. adulthood is another matter! but they're the sort of parents that have no qualms about relinquishing us into the big,bad world to learn how to live. they have equipped us with godly principles, a sound education and upbringing. the rest is up to us. which is fair, i must say. i do hope i can do as well by my future kids.

happy birthday dad.. you mean the world to me (even when you're in a bad mood).



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i organised a surprise bday celebration for my dad at the office. got all 80 staff gathered at the carpark with 2 massive cakes and some cheesy party thingies which you blow/crack/snap to cause a racket. he was stuck in a meeting while all the rest were waiting in the sun. poor things. in the end, had to scare him that his self-levelling floor coating cracked. jsut so he would run down to see. initially wanted to sound the fire alarm at 10am so everyone will run out on teh pretext of an emergency. but he is 55 after all. anyway, the surprise went well, and i think he was quite touched that everyone turned up.

japan

my family sans my brother recently went to japan for a short break. i just remembered what i liked about it. the food! you can tell i had a crummy lunch just now. i love their food presentation! it's just so gorgeous and begging for you to take its picture. which i conceded to, at the risk of looking really backward. but it's really worth taking, for remembrance sake especially when you're staring at a bowl of maggi mee! i think i will make more of an effort to present my food in a more apetising way now!

and somehow, they're coffee is different! i never knew japan had good coffee. even the coffee we get from the buffet is
good. i think we had food overload as every meal provided was simply scrumptious. actually i only enjoyed the food and flowers in japan. shopping was impossible as everything is ridiculously overpriced. i really pity the japanese. how do they survive?? no wonder they go crazy when they come to malaysia or singapore. or any other country for that matter. now i understand why LV and Gucci always have at least 1 or 2 japanese staff, whether in new zealand or italy.

everywhere you go, they have these cute looking 'mua chee' thingies. for eating. in all their colourful, candy coloured glory. and every single box is displayed with its colourful plastic sample. so you know what you're getting! we mostly bought it cos there's nothing else to buy, and cos the packaging is so cute. you can tell my dad is a shopaholic too. either that or we're just plain greedy. i think we were the only family buying all those stuff back to eat.

i went crazy when i saw the cherry blossoms. trigger happy. they are just so so so pretty. like cotton candy. and it grows just EVERYWHERE even right in the middle of a mountain, or by dingy factory lots. sadly it only blossoms like once a yr. and for only abt 2 weeks, so we were pretty fortunate to see them in their glory. the pictures don't do them justice at all.



pretty pretty flowers. now you know why i was trigger happy.

i know i am crazy snapping so many pictures of flowers, but i adore flowers. surprise surprise. actually everything else in japan was a bit drab. the buildings are boring, i couldn't understand much of what the tour guide was saying, he was talking way too much anyway (his goal is for us to stay awake all the time). i found him quite annoying actually. he was moralising about how parents of our generation dump their kids with babysitters etc etc to go and work (except japanese women) . bla bla bla. and about how spoilt kids are nowadays (except japanese kids). boy, you do get tired of it sooner or later. we were all lectured to. what a stressful holiday. to be forced to examine your child rearing principles and other life issues. i was so tempted to stuff my earplugs in my ears but i was too chicken. didn't want to offend him in case i get an earful about disrespect of today's youth.

i did enjoy the stay in one of those typical japanese inns. duno what you call them already cos i wasn't paying attention. but we slept on tatamis, and in kabukis. and we actually went for their famous hot springs bath. where you have to get in completely buff! my sister was so gung-ho about going in, until she saw everyone staring at the doors waiting for the next self-conscious victim to come in. anyway i told her we were half the age of the others anyway, so what better time to show off. haha. how mean. it was quite liberating though. but the water was so hot i started to feel faint and had to get out after 10 minutes.